I was pleased with one answer I thought up today though - for some reason the press keep asking about my salary, as if that was relevant to anything. Anyway, today I told the reporter that the fact I'm keeping my $1.2 million is great news for Nortel, for the employees, the shareholders, the customers and partners - why? Because it's $1.2 million, not $50 million. How great is that? If only I'd thought of that one earlier, I could have kept the jet.
Anyway, my top priority right now is customers. They're the ones that give us money for our products, right? Or is that stakeholders? I get mixed up sometimes. I've been calling around other executives at other big companies, who I think are customers, and I have to say they've been great. Lots of commiseration about the jet and invitations to golf. Fantastic news for the company, all of this. It makes the future look really bright.
When all of this inconvenient stuff blew up, I had my PR guy Alepian draw up a list of talking points and I've managed to keep most of the team 'on message'. It goes like this. Talk to customers, talk to partners, talk to employees. Now, that might make it sound like employees are the lowest priority for me and my boys, but let me tell you, we've managed to keep that just between ourselves. In my last few Z mails, I've listed my talking points and then I've remembered to put in that being third on a list of three doesn't really mean being last, it just looks that way.
I have to say, Alepian is a genius because right now I have the whole company solidly behind me. Every Nortel employee just loves the open, transparent, forthright communication they're seeing from their leader. Sometimes when I send a Zmail to the troops, I feel like Obama, like I'm The One, you know? Having this kind of respect and support could place a burden on a lesser man, but I am pleased with how I'm able to handle the adulation.
And now I must get to my 55 minute workout. I'm working a calorific burn rate monitoring and improvement program and I'll share those slides with you another time.
Dear Mike,
ReplyDeleteYou know the saying, "another day, another $4608". Which reminds me: we need to work on finding other ways of supplementing your $1.2M base salary; your daily rate is far too low and I expect much better from one of my students.
Yes, yes, I sense a twinkle in your eye! I know you too well, my friend. You're thinking that I had forgotten about the KEIP bonus monies that you've set aside for yourself. Well, that was a brilliant move, but far too obvious! You have much to learn about the fine art of surreptitiously supplementing your income on the backs of your employees. However, the KEIP bonus will have to do for now.
I'm glad to see that your priorities are in their proper order: Mike, Mike, Mike, Public Relations for Mike, your $5M Mike Zafirovski Sports Dome, and finally customers, stakeholders, and the bane of the corporate world - employees. The difference between the last three items isn't pertinent, but you must never forget to mention them often, and to especially "feel their pain".
I appreciate your weekly ZMail's of late. I know you're busily finger-type-type-typing away on your next ZMail, but spice it up a bit! Put your picture back into those ZMails and show some tears. Tears? Yes, you read that correctly. I'll explain...
It is true that a picture is worth a thousand words. But a tearful picture, with consoling corporate-speak, is worth far more than what your KEIP bonus will ever pay! It will build a tremendous amount of "I believe" morale and dedication. In other words, it will keep the money flowing to you.
I see you still don't believe me. Then simply trust! Tears will positively influence your creditors (who are your employees), and are easily produced: just a few drops from a Visene bottle and you have instant tears! Never mind that your eyes wont' be red from crying; that's not important, and won't be noticed. It's the effect that we're after.
Best financial wishes to you and yours, and the magic of tears...
Jack Welch
Dear Mike,
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you and thank you one more time. Until your corporate brilliance showed up I was the poster boy for the proverbial ‘corporate empty suit’. Imagine that; I paved the way for (the real) Steve Job’s glorious comeback and I am the BAD guy? Ungrateful SOBs, all of them. Anyway, please don’t do business with that cancer-laden hippie; your cancer is all we need.
Continued success,
John Scully
Hi, dear,
ReplyDeleteOur pal Jackiekins' mentioning the word "tears" brought the very same to my own eyes, namely because some losers lurking in the hyperconnected internets we built for them recently had a rare brain fart and found that pronouncing my name in Spanish sounds alot like "Hole 'Acne' ". Like, jajajaja. Bery phunny.
So then, of course, another dimwit chortled in response: "Its hard to see it, what with Mike Z's Sik Smegma all over it."
Out of deepest respect to you - peace be upon you - I will not repeat here to you how your name was similarly besmirched.
The unwashed peasants are still far too cocky for my taste. Once our web-kicking web.alive is - as your GEnius intended - installed on every Windows OS - we thank you sooooooo much for syngergiZing with Microsoft to that end - I'll virtually grab the vermin by the face and show them who really runs the show.
Until then they need to suffer in other ways. I suspect most of them are Cisco employees, but for all we know could also be our very own customers, investors, shareholders, and disgruntled (ex-)employees. Many parents certainly aren't teaching their teenagers much Web etiquette anymore, let alone basic traffic laws. Cut ahead of me in a parking lot, will ya? JA!
Looks like our money-givers all still have too much time, money and can-do attitude at their fingertips. Its to make a fist and dole out the donkey punch.
For starters, turning the lights off in their lavatories might allow our minions to experience what real hole acne feels like, eh! Then we start looking into what they look at during work.
And when we're scheduled to announce the pre-preliminary earnings restatement forecast for the second quarter (of 2010) in 3 months, lets just wait another 2-3 months to do that, too.
See how they like them apples. {Apple is next to be plucked, right, honey!)
Your cuddle bunny,
Chol "Che" Jacni
Mike,
ReplyDeleteWe are behind you. In fact, you are the hindmost leader in the world, I love you.
I got a z-mail from the real Mike. its uncut, unedited.
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